Just....

I just feel like crying, all the time, and you ask why? but I don't know.... I'm just depressed all the time and many things make me sad and angry.

Like people don't wanting to be near me because I'm just so boring and depressing, and me being angry and sad because they don't want to be with me. I wish I could be social and upbeat all the time but I can't when I always feel like crying.

And I realize that I've felt like this for a long time but it's gotten worse. Before, I could just ignore my feelings by doing things I thought were making me happy but now I don't even find joy in those things. Everything just feels useless and stupid.

I'm just numb.

Nothing seems interesting.

I don't have anyone really close to me that I could talk to and just say: I feel like shit. I feel like dropping all my extra activities because I feel like I just keep walking through the motions. But I keep trying to be there because I realize I'm just falling deeper and they might help me in some way.

 I'm not happy with what I'm studying in college but I just lack interest in any other career so it's just not like I can say: I'm dropping this shit and now I'll do what I want, because sadly there's nothing else I want.

And I'm not writing this to make you feel sorry for me. Probably you won't read past the first line, because who wants to read about a depressed teen, it's so cliché. But I just need to unwind and there's nobody I could speak to about this. And I also feel the hope that in the future when I'm better I'll come back here and think: Wow! I was really fucked up!! Probably even mentally pat myself in the back for overcoming it.

And the worst part is that I'm alone, ALONE..... so I'm always by myself and I'm eternally bored because as I already mentioned, I don't find anything interesting.

I really wish I could have a boyfriend who would always stand by me and that by just existing everything would seem like a bright new world. But I'm not even in love with anyone at the moment. And let's be honest, who would want to be with someone as fucked up as me? But firstly, how would I meet this mythical person  when I don't ever leave my house.... It's all an eternal fucked up circle. People I thought were my friends just ignore me now and when they are with me is just when they wanna use me for something.

But you would think that my new reclusive life would make me a better student, but NO, instead of doing well like before I'm lowering my grades.

It would be great if I could just leave all this shit.

But what really breaks me is that all my life I've never been truly close to someone. It's like I'm unable to build relationships because when things go bad I just bail. I would just kill myself but I can't help but hope that I will get better and meet someone that loves me. Meanwhile it seems that I'll just live in the slow, painful torture that is my life.

Life Changes

It's incredible how fast my life has changed in the last couple of months! For example, now I hang out with entirely different people with diverse personalities. I seem to be successful in a lot of stuff and now I try many different things that I had never dared to do before.

But I can't seem to find the words to explain how I feel, or maybe it's too late. I just feel like now my life is full.of endless possibilities and I'm free to do whatever I want.

But I'll leave it at that. Here's a cool picture I took this week.

Cold Days

The days are so cold lately, although I don't trust the weather anymore because tomorrow could be really hot. Lately I'm wearing warmer clothes even if I hate them sometimes. In some days I'll post cool songs. And I'm also really happy because I won my first partial exams (I got 100 in math, the only one in my section! Yay!!)

I'll try to write more in the next days and I'll even post outfit pictures! :D

Everything changes...

I'm just too lame right now to post photos. And I'm getting all philosophical thinking about how everything has changed so drastically in my life. People I thought would be with me for the rest of my life now seem like total strangers and my life is totally different. I'm scared and happy at the same time but I feel like I've lost a part of myself. I just don't know what to think anymore...

Today I spent the whole day trying to escape my life by reading, and I succeded for a while reading Legend by Marie Lu. I had honestly missed dystopian fiction. And then when my life seemed right again I spent some time chilling while watching a movie called Too Big To Fail, it was about the economic recession of 2008.

The Mark of Athena

If you've been reading this blog for a while you probably know that around the beginning of last year I read the entire Percy Jackson series. So I've decided to finally read the latest book that I keep postponing to read, but let me tell you, it's not that I don't like it anymore, it's just that it's not the same to read it apart from the rest of the series because you lose all the excitement and small details you normally remember.

But apart from my reading habits I have to tell you that this was my first week at college. And I'm going to be honest, I was super scared!!! Not from the courses and stuff like that but from social relationships but thankfully everything went okay. I already know a lot of new cool people and the classes are going ok. Although I feel a little sleep-deprived and I feel like I haven't listened to music or watched a movie in a long time.... But before college started I was listening to this music.







They are kind of an unusual combination of songs but I was listening a lot of post-punk, new wave, dark wave and goth that day. If you want to hear the whole playlist you can find it below:



I've been meaning to write a blog post about my favorite music in 2012 but I always seem to forget and suddenly it's already the middle of January, but I promise I will! Meanwhile it seems there is a lot of music I have to listen but not enough time. And that is without mentioning all the homework and reading I have to do for college...

Post-Beach and College

I think it was really good to go to the beach for some days before starting college. I would have been a lot more stressed otherwise. And I'm still kind of stressed but now I have a great tan, not that I care that much about tans haha. But you could say I spent all the time swimming, getting tanned, eating, sleeping or reading, so you could say it was pretty good. I don't have that much photos because I was so relaxed that I didn't even remember to take photos. Of course, there are a few but they're nothing compared to how much I could've taken.

Like you can notice all of them are from the sunset and not me but it's just that it was my first time seeing a sunset in the sea so just suck it!

These were my favourite songs during the past few days:

Bonafield Lovin - Chromeo


När Solen Går Ner - Aki ft. Kapten Röd


So Perfekt - Casper


Bleeding Out - Imagine Dragons


Forrest Gump - Frank Ocean

I know some of these songs are old but it's just that I haven't taken the trouble to download them before... But another one that is in my head and I know that probably everybody knows it now is this one!

Hair Day

Today was such a crazy day... It was good at times and then it became totally crazy!!!
It started with me looking for a good hair salon. When I found it I cut my hair. It turned out pretty good and I was in such a good mood that I decided to go shopping for cute clothes. Some hours later I decided to dyw my hair and therefore change its color. It was total disaster!!!! The bleaching part turned out pretty bad. And so I learned to trust myself instead of selfish unhelpful bastards.

After that I fixed my hair in the dying part. Yay! ^^
This is the result. I would like to write more but I'm exausted and I would like to go and eat ribs.

New Music

I just had an amazing revelation! Some years ago I used to download new songs and listen to them wheter they were good or not later in my ipod. But as time went on I started to listen to them on large playlists online and decide if they were good or not before downloading. But I think I lost the excitement and anticipation I got of not knowing wheter they were good. But I decided to do it again! Right now I'm listening to it and I've got great finds!

New clothes

From now on I intend to write more about my life, but of course I'll keep on writing about books, manga, movies and music. I feel that now that I'm using tumblr so much this will be a place to post more personal stuff. So with that said I really have to show you some great stuff I bought today.

And some gifts I received. I'll probably use the clothes at the beach. ^^

Nounai Poison Berry

Sorry I haven't posted lately but I have just lacked inspiration. To describe this more clearly I'll just tell you that I haven't listened music AT ALL for the past month!!! Of course I listen to background music but I haven't listened to any new music on purpose. The past month seems like a blur of family reunions, Christmas food and endless movie marathons. And I haven't even watched recent movies, No! I have been watching old movies just so that I don't have to go through all the trouble of finding PG-13 movies for my parents that are ultra-religious. But it's not that bad... I have watched a lot of great movies, like ALL the Audrey Hepburn movies or The Godfather trilogy. (Honestly I have enjoyed watching old movies, in fact, I was the one with the initiative of watching old movies that have won oscars like Amadeus that I read about in a book I just read called Tell The Wolves I'm Home). That's without mentioning that I've been watching all the Jane Austen movies ever made! haha.. but not all, mostly I select the versions with pretty actresses. hehe

So the lack of inspiration includes manga, so that's why I haven't read much manga lately (probably just the releases that I crave like Crepuscule, Beelzebub, Heroine Shikkaku and Aoharaido).

But tonight I got my inspiration back by this manga:

It's called Nounai Poison Berry and it's about a girl that has a student council inside her head that decide everything she does. But it's absolutely hilarious!! the members of the student council just crack me up in their indecisiveness relating love matters. haha But the guy she likes is absolutely adorable, although sometimes I'm just so mad at him for lacking initiative!

The graphics are so-so and I think I have read another work by the same mangaka. Sometimes I like the graphics of the girls but the ones of the boys put me off, but the comedy definitely makes up for it. I'll try to read more manga now.

But it's just a matter of days before I begin college and I just realized that I'll have to join a lot of extra activities. And the number of day to do basic stuff are even shorter because I'll go to the beach for some days. But before that I have to cut and dye my hair again, buy clothes, buy basic stuff for college etc. So it seems like my freedom is coming to an end....

But it seems like I already wrote a lot! so I'll write more tomorrow. If you miss me you can check out my TUMBLR!!! I'm thinking of starting a new blog, but not a blog blog, I want to write something similar to the cellphone novels the asian people write. It'll probably be combined with cute photos but I'm still thinking it through.