Just....

I just feel like crying, all the time, and you ask why? but I don't know.... I'm just depressed all the time and many things make me sad and angry.

Like people don't wanting to be near me because I'm just so boring and depressing, and me being angry and sad because they don't want to be with me. I wish I could be social and upbeat all the time but I can't when I always feel like crying.

And I realize that I've felt like this for a long time but it's gotten worse. Before, I could just ignore my feelings by doing things I thought were making me happy but now I don't even find joy in those things. Everything just feels useless and stupid.

I'm just numb.

Nothing seems interesting.

I don't have anyone really close to me that I could talk to and just say: I feel like shit. I feel like dropping all my extra activities because I feel like I just keep walking through the motions. But I keep trying to be there because I realize I'm just falling deeper and they might help me in some way.

 I'm not happy with what I'm studying in college but I just lack interest in any other career so it's just not like I can say: I'm dropping this shit and now I'll do what I want, because sadly there's nothing else I want.

And I'm not writing this to make you feel sorry for me. Probably you won't read past the first line, because who wants to read about a depressed teen, it's so cliché. But I just need to unwind and there's nobody I could speak to about this. And I also feel the hope that in the future when I'm better I'll come back here and think: Wow! I was really fucked up!! Probably even mentally pat myself in the back for overcoming it.

And the worst part is that I'm alone, ALONE..... so I'm always by myself and I'm eternally bored because as I already mentioned, I don't find anything interesting.

I really wish I could have a boyfriend who would always stand by me and that by just existing everything would seem like a bright new world. But I'm not even in love with anyone at the moment. And let's be honest, who would want to be with someone as fucked up as me? But firstly, how would I meet this mythical person  when I don't ever leave my house.... It's all an eternal fucked up circle. People I thought were my friends just ignore me now and when they are with me is just when they wanna use me for something.

But you would think that my new reclusive life would make me a better student, but NO, instead of doing well like before I'm lowering my grades.

It would be great if I could just leave all this shit.

But what really breaks me is that all my life I've never been truly close to someone. It's like I'm unable to build relationships because when things go bad I just bail. I would just kill myself but I can't help but hope that I will get better and meet someone that loves me. Meanwhile it seems that I'll just live in the slow, painful torture that is my life.